“I’M NOT QUITTING SMOKING, COS I’M NOT A QUITTER!” AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT I USED TO SAY AS A JOKE TO HIDE MY TRUE DESIRES TO QUIT SUCH A NASTY, SMELLY, AND UNHEALTHY HABIT. DESIRING TO QUIT WAS SO MUCH HARDER THAN IT SOUNDS, IT’S MORE LIKE THE NEED TO QUIT, BUT DESIRING IT TO BE A CAKE WALK. NOT ONLY HAD I FAILED MISERABLY QUITING TWICE IN MY 23 YEARS OF SUPPORTING THE TOBACCO COMPANIES LAVISH LIFESTYLES, BUT I HAD ENDANGERED MY LUNGS BY FILLING IT WITH TAR AND NICOTINE FOR A SMALL FORTUNE DAILY. YOU REALLY DON’T HAVE TO BE A GENIUS TO KNOW THAT EACH PUFF OF SMOKE PUTS YOU AT HIGHER RISK OF DEVELOPING SOME TYPE OF LUNG DISEASE IN YOUR LIFE TIME, OR THAT MILLIONS HAVE EITHER DIED OR ARE SUFFERING FROM SOME KIND OF SMOKING RELATED ILLNESSES.

THERE WAS NOTHING ANYONE CAN TELL ME OR ANY TV ADS CAN CONCUR THAT WOULD MAKE IT ANY EASIER FOR ME TO QUIT. IT WAS SOMETHING I HAD TO DO FOR MYSELF AND AS HOAKIE AS IT MAY SEEM, FOR MY KIDS! I DIDN’T WANT TO BE THE “SIDELINE” DAD OR GRANDPA THAT WAS CONSTRICTED TO AN OXYGEN TANK OR HAS SHORTNESS OF BREATH FROM JUST THROWING A BALL AROUND. I WANTED TO QUIT SMOKING OUT OF CHOICE, NOT BECAUSE SOME DOCTOR IS TELLING ME I HAD TO QUIT, IF I WANTED TO SAVE MY OTHER LUNG. NOT TO MENTIONED, I WAS SPENDING ABOUT $200 A MONTH ON CIGARETTES. YOU WOULDN’T PAY SOMEONE TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE EVERY MORNING AND PUT A LITTLE CARCINOGENIC IN YOUR COFFEE WOULD YOU? (DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON CAFFEINE, WHICH I’M STILL TOTALLY ADDICTED TO!). IT’S PURE LOGIC AND WILL VERSUS INSTANT GRATIFICATION AND TEMPTATION. LOGIC WILL PREVAIL WITH LOGIC. IN THAT, TO DEFEAT ONES SELF, ONE MUST OUT WIT ONES SELF. IT TOOK ME A FEW WEEKS TO DEVISE A STRATEGY TO RID MYSELF OF THIS UGLY STINKING, MONKEY ON MY BACK, AND I AIN’T TALKING ABOUT MY EX-GIRLFRIEND NEITHER. I’LL TELL YOU HOW IN MY NEXT BLOG…. HAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING!

I CALL MY PLAN OF ATTACK THE “FIVE MINUTES BATTLE” OFFENSIVE.

THE FIRST STEP WAS TO DECIDE ON AN ABSOLUTE DEADLINE ON WHEN TO QUIT FOREVER, FOR REAL, FOR CERTAIN, FOR GOOD! IF THIS FIRST STEP FAILS, FORGET IT! YOU’RE NOT READY.

THE SECOND STEP IS TO LOAD UP ON BEEF JERKY. LOW SODIUM PREFERABLY, AS SALT TENDS TO MAKE YOU RETAIN WATER. THE LAST THING YOU WANT IS TO BE JITTERY AND BLOATED! IF YOU’RE A DUDE, THAT’S KINDA CLOSE TO BE ON THE RIZZAG. I THINK? THE BEEF JERKY WILL HELP YOU ENTERTAIN YOUR HANDS AND MOUTH DURING THE BATTLES. WE ALL KNOW SMOKING IS HALF ORAL AND HAND FIXATION. THE OTHER HALF IS THAT INSTANT GRATIFICATION OF THE FIRST HIT OF SMOKE AS IT COMES DOWN YOUR THROAT AND FILLS YOUR LUNGS. AFTER THAT YOU’RE JUST TRYING TO FINISH THE CIGARETTE SO AS NOT TO WASTE IT.

THE THIRD STEP AND MOST IMPORTANT, IS TO BE MENTALLY PREPARE FOR A LONG BATTLE OF WILL AND DETERMINATION. THIS IS MADE EASIER BY FIGHTING THE URGE TO SMOKE A CIGARETTE FIVE MINUTES AT A TIME. WHEN THE URGE TO LIGHT ONE UP COMES ALONG, TRY CHEWING ON SOME BEEF JERKY AND STAY BUSY FOR AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES TILL THE URGE SUBSIDES. IT GENERALLY TAKES ABOUT THAT LONG TO DISTRACT YOU FROM SUCH URGES. TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

REPEAT THE THIRD STEP AS NEEDED UNTIL THE URGES COME FARTHER AND FEWER IN BETWEEN. I KNOW IT’S NOT NEARLY AS EASY AS IT SEEMS, BUT TRUST ME, IT DOES GET EASIER. AT FIRST THESE URGES COME BACK AFTER ONLY WHAT SEEMS LIKE MINUTES, BUT BE STRONG AND FIGHT THEM FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES. PRETTY SOON YOU’LL FIND THAT IT’S BEEN A HALF HOUR SINCE YOUR LAST BATTLE, THEN ONE HOUR BETWEEN BATTLES, THEN HOURS, THEN DAYS, THEN WEEKS, AND SO ON AND SO FORTH.

THEN ONE DAY YOU’LL FIND THAT FOOD TASTES BETTER, YOUR CLOTHS SMELL BETTER, YOU BREATH A LIL EASIER, AND YOUR MOUTH AND FINGERS DON’T SMELL LIKE YOU JUST MADE OUT WITH AN ASH TRAY AND FELT IT UP IN THE PROCESS. IT’S A FREAGIN BEAUTIFUL FEELING NOT HAVING TO ROUTE YOUR TRIPS ACCORDING TO THE NEAREST LOCATION TO RE-UP ON SMOKES. OH YEAH, YOU JUST SAVED $2400 A YEAR ON CIGARETTES. THAT’S A FREAGING VACATION MAN!!!

OF ALL THE REASONS TO QUIT SMOKING, THERE WERE THOUSANDS.

OF ALL THE REASONS NOT TO QUIT, THERE WERE A FEW:

MEETING THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE IN THE SMOKING AREA WHOSE BREATH SMELLS WORSE THAN YOURS.

YOU LOOK COOL SMOKING A CIGARETTE, ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT STRAY SMOKE CATCHES YOU RIGHT IN THE EYE AND MAKE YOUR TEAR UP AS YOU TRY SO DESPERATELY TO PLAY IT OFF LIKE YOU HAVE A COOL SMOKING SQUINT.

YOU WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE NOTHING TO DO ON YOUR BREAK ACCEPT SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH TWO HANDS, IMAGINE THAT!

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST, YOU’RE “NOT QUITTING SMOKING, COS YOU’RE NOT A QUITTER!”